Really? Can I?

Late at night, I hear news I do not want to hear.  It makes me feel anxious.

The next day the storm comes.

Building frustration, anger, resentment…exploding emotions…words, thoughts want to push past my lips and spill out all over

I have to go.  Tears, blinding, spilling down like rain.  I will implode or explode from the storm.

I look for shelter.  I talk to someone who knows me well.  I cry.  I spill thoughts like a waterfall.  They splash as rocks hurled.  Not nice words.  I am raging at the storm, the reality of injustice hurting deep.

He tells me to “praise Him in the storm.”  I say, “No, I can’t.” 

He tells me that God is good…always.  He asks me what impossible thing am I asking God to do during ‘our storm’….like Peter asking Jesus to have him walk on water with Him.  I have no answer….just waves hitting me, hurling me from side to side.  I know that the real impossible thing is not to have God fix the problem, but to have Him fix me.

As I leave, I cry.  I bow my head and ask God to do the impossible and fix me.  I am still sinking under the water.

The tears still fall, the waves still hit, the storm is long from being over.  It’s not even over now.  My pulse races way too fast…way too long….I can’t think.   The pain cuts.  I take my medications and the pulse drops.  I lay down to sleep.

My cat lies beside me, calming me….I think I can close my eyes.  But when I do, the thoughts come.  I turn the light back on and reach for the book beside my bed. My Bible.

I was going to read Psalm 23 about the Lord being my shepherd and leading me to green pastures even if it means going through a desert.  Because He can make the desert blossom like a rose. (Isaiah 35)  The pages fall open.

In amazement I read, “You will not have to fight this battle.”  A promise that God has proven to me.  (2 Chronicles 20:17 You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.)

The hand of Jesus reaching down through the storm and waves…reaching for me sinking. I stretch up and reach.  I sleep.

All day I look at legal options.  There are laws, but there is corruption.  I build the case.  And I hear, whispered, “you will not have to fight this battle.”

I think and remember, how my son told us when we were talking about the battle of Jehoshaphat, that God seem to only give information on a need to know basis.  Sometimes the Israelites knew exactly what would happen.  Often they only knew the next step. 

This battle of old was won with musicians praising God.  They did not have to fight, but sing.   I thought, “I will Praise you in this Storm.”

Tears want to leak from my eyes. 

I walk in from work.  I listen as the same son, who told us that God often operates on a need to know basis, plays the piano.  My heart cries and praises as I listen to the beauty of “I will praise you in this storm.”  I am in awe.  I wish I could play like him.   I think, my heart full, he has no idea what God just spoke to me. 

The storm is not over but I can see the stars and feel the hand doing the impossible.  I might sink again but my hand is reaching out and up to the One who can control the storm.  Who is never taken by surprise.  Who has control over the whole world and yet, thinks of me.

Casting Crowns- I will praise you in this storm

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth