Sunday, March 27, 2011


Heart pounding
anxiety flowing
tension building....

the shaking
the fear.....

Sometimes these are a common occurrence for me.

Sometimes I know what brings it on and other times I don't.

It's real these panic attacks.  It's like a shot of adrenalin with no release. (I'm not an adrenalin junkie like my husband :)  Instead, I thank God for the prescription that's up high in the cabinet....and thankful for the permission to use it!  And I do when I need to...usually less than the amount I'm allowed to take.  It helps to calm and get my panic back under control. 

But I also use my Bible and the scriptures there to calm and reassure me.  Over and over, as I think about the words of scripture, it helps to sooth my nerves.

For the past year this has been one of the scriptures I quote.  Sometimes I can't even grasp the beginning and just skip to the 'peace of God' and cry for God's peace.  And it comes. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

Through this verse, I see things I hadn't seen before.  ...with thanksgiving 

 A car to put gasoline in even when it's killing me!

Money to buy food with even though the prices seem to keep going higher.

Miracles when building the kitchen cabinets, the parlor doors, the trim and the list goes on....even when I wonder why we ended up with a house bigger than we need...(we had plans on adoption and helping kids, but God closed that door.) I wonder, "why?  I don't need all this stress". 

I start looking closer and thanking Him for the things that hurt.


...finding good in the bad

...looking at walls that were impossible four years ago and how much better they are now

...the stress of building a house and some of the impossible things that are out of my control.

...and realizing that is the problem...I can't control I try to yield and let Him control that impossibility.

  I don't do a very good job....

I look back over things I thought I'd never be able to walk through and remember...

The pain, tears, hurt....hard hurt...yet a healing hurt.  I made it through them even tho I might still suffer with them at times, it is nothing like it was.  I feel a healing there inside of me where that gaping hole was torn.  I grieve for things that can never be.  I grieve for the security of being able to allow that me inside out.  It's been trampled and I hide.  It's easier that way.  The less I say...the less I hurt.  And I remember the scripture that helped me through .....and it can help me now.

But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel,
Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.  Isaiah 43

So I walk...with the water sometimes lapping at my feet, sometimes over my head...and feel the heat of the fire....and remember I will not drown, I will not be burned.

...He knows my name and He remembers me.  He knows how I feel and even why...and He does not care....because He loves me.

And I try to be thankful.

...I try to find beauty and joy again in the every day things of life

...I rejoice in the 'helps' along the way
(One Thousand Gifts....a big encouragement to continue to be thankful).

...I enjoy the peace being thankful brings.

...and in the times when I can't see to be thankful.

...when the panic is full blown and my mind is racing

...I can not sleep

...tears make tracks down my cheeks head heart hurts even worse

....I try to do as Paul tells me...

'rest in His hand'

....and picture me in HIS hand

...the one who made everything...yet cares enough to hold me. 


Holly said...

Isn't it awesome how God continues to help us grow through the hard things in our lives. He gives us blessings over and over as we look and see the 'beautiful in the ugly.' Love that book "One Thousand Gifts"

Vicki Clifton said...

I so agree! :)