Really? Can I?

Late at night, I hear news I do not want to hear.  It makes me feel anxious.

The next day the storm comes.

Building frustration, anger, resentment…exploding emotions…words, thoughts want to push past my lips and spill out all over

I have to go.  Tears, blinding, spilling down like rain.  I will implode or explode from the storm.

I look for shelter.  I talk to someone who knows me well.  I cry.  I spill thoughts like a waterfall.  They splash as rocks hurled.  Not nice words.  I am raging at the storm, the reality of injustice hurting deep.

He tells me to “praise Him in the storm.”  I say, “No, I can’t.” 

He tells me that God is good…always.  He asks me what impossible thing am I asking God to do during ‘our storm’….like Peter asking Jesus to have him walk on water with Him.  I have no answer….just waves hitting me, hurling me from side to side.  I know that the real impossible thing is not to have God fix the problem, but to have Him fix me.

As I leave, I cry.  I bow my head and ask God to do the impossible and fix me.  I am still sinking under the water.

The tears still fall, the waves still hit, the storm is long from being over.  It’s not even over now.  My pulse races way too fast…way too long….I can’t think.   The pain cuts.  I take my medications and the pulse drops.  I lay down to sleep.

My cat lies beside me, calming me….I think I can close my eyes.  But when I do, the thoughts come.  I turn the light back on and reach for the book beside my bed. My Bible.

I was going to read Psalm 23 about the Lord being my shepherd and leading me to green pastures even if it means going through a desert.  Because He can make the desert blossom like a rose. (Isaiah 35)  The pages fall open.

In amazement I read, “You will not have to fight this battle.”  A promise that God has proven to me.  (2 Chronicles 20:17 You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.)

The hand of Jesus reaching down through the storm and waves…reaching for me sinking. I stretch up and reach.  I sleep.

All day I look at legal options.  There are laws, but there is corruption.  I build the case.  And I hear, whispered, “you will not have to fight this battle.”

I think and remember, how my son told us when we were talking about the battle of Jehoshaphat, that God seem to only give information on a need to know basis.  Sometimes the Israelites knew exactly what would happen.  Often they only knew the next step. 

This battle of old was won with musicians praising God.  They did not have to fight, but sing.   I thought, “I will Praise you in this Storm.”

Tears want to leak from my eyes. 

I walk in from work.  I listen as the same son, who told us that God often operates on a need to know basis, plays the piano.  My heart cries and praises as I listen to the beauty of “I will praise you in this storm.”  I am in awe.  I wish I could play like him.   I think, my heart full, he has no idea what God just spoke to me. 

The storm is not over but I can see the stars and feel the hand doing the impossible.  I might sink again but my hand is reaching out and up to the One who can control the storm.  Who is never taken by surprise.  Who has control over the whole world and yet, thinks of me.

Casting Crowns- I will praise you in this storm

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Our Warrior in Flying Colors

26 “There is no one like the God of Jeshurun,
   who rides across the heavens to help you
   and on the clouds in his majesty.
27 The eternal God is your refuge,
   and underneath are the everlasting arms.
He will drive out your enemies before you,
   saying, ‘Destroy them!’
Deuteronomy 33:26-27

This morning I was reading this scripture.  I noticed that I usually just 'thought' and 'focused' on the part
The eternal God is your refuge,
   and underneath are the everlasting arms.
As I read the words around that, an awesome picture began to form in my mind.  Just think the ONLY God (“There is no one like the God) is riding across the heavens on His way to help you....us!!  He's riding in majesty on his royal horse with his full armor on, jumping from cloud to cloud to get to YOU.  Why? Because He is eternal, He is our refuge and He is holding us with His everlasting arms.  And what does He do when He gets to us?  He swoops us up in His arms and holds us tight then goes on BEFORE us fighting our enemies and saying "destroy"!! So when the day is dark, when the questions are there and we don't understand, when the load is too heavy to keep moving...remember God is riding towards you...or holding you and going on before in the things we can not see and yelling His battle cry, "Destroy"!!!

How 9/11 affected us...besides the gas prices!!

9/11~thinking about all the lives that were changed and  the world as we knew it would never be the same.

  I remember Paul stating that he wanted to be involved with protecting our country.  It began a process that changed us forever.

First, he became involved with CERT; then he was hired to work with FEMA...working at least three hurricanes including St Bernard's parrish in New Orleans from Katrina damage. I had to get used to him being gone.  He started telling me, 'you can do anything I can do, just try.'  (I think he knew it wasn't true but he wanted to me to realize that I could do alot of things on my own if I had to.  And I learned he was right.  I could do much more than I thought I was capable of doing. I started riding along with the police before he did :) and I'm a good shot too...just haven't matched his speed yet!)


I remember the cold, winter day when we went to town in Great Bend, KS.  I went to JCPenny's and he went to the sheriff office which was across the street.  Paul walked up as the sheriff was getting out of his truck. The sheriff pointed at him and order him, "I want you to be in the next reserve deputy training class.  I'll tell the deputy in charge."  Paul had wanted to get in since 9/11 but the door never opened.  This door just opened wide and he knew it was nothing of his doings, but God's.

  He loved working with the Barton County Sheriff department.  In fact, several couldn't believe it when we were going to move.  One said, "If Paul is quitting reserves, believe it, he's moving." :)  He has a lot of fond memories of that time.

After moving to Independence, once our house was built, he joined the Montgomery County sheriff department as a reserve officer. Before that, someone close to us, suggested that he hire on at the police department here.  He really wasn't interested :)  But God began leading and directing.

I'm a 'worry wart' but I wasn't even worried when he applied for the job.  I just knew that was where God wanted him because of all the steps to this place and that he would get the job.  The only thing I was worried about was Paul passing the typing test!!  I had him practicing typing test trying to get him to pass :) He did....barely!  Paul asked them if he could wait a couple months before starting (he hired on in December and didn't start until February) as he was finishing building a house. They had never been asked that before, but it was no problem :)

I was worried how I would make it through the 14 weeks of Academy when he was gone.  Once again, those times in Great Bend when he was gone for FEMA etc. had started preparing me.  And we made it.  It wasn't without it's stresses and difficulties, but we saw the end and made it to graduation!  I felt like I was graduating too...I mean I had studied for those tests also :)

Just because God opened doors that He wanted us to go through, doesn't mean it has all been easy.  Some things have been some of the hardest things to walk through.  But knowing you are doing what God wants  you to do, regardless of what others may think, brings assurance that He is walking right beside you.  I try not to think about this, but often when I hug him goodbye or say 'I love you' as we end our phone call, I think "that may be the last time."  I don't know.  Only God knows.  I do know that policemen do have risks that the average citizen doesn't face.  I know they face a lot of disrespect and get called names that most people never hear called to their face.  I know that their heart breaks (at least Paul's does) over the sin and hurt in this world.  I see it in his eyes.  In the tired lines on his face.  In the long hours when he has to spend working on reports when his mind can't think any longer.

I know that for our family, 9/11 changed us.  But it's made us proud to be Americans, proud of those who serve, proud to loan out someone dearest to us to help others in the community....and thankful for each day we have a little longer together.  I love you, Paul and I'm glad that you are a police officer even when some days are beyond difficult. I'm proud of you!

Broken pieces (repost)

I'm so out of here....I'm checking out....know what I mean? Know the feeling? Life is so over whelming at times. Sometimes the past terrors lurk in the shadows jumping out at unexpected times. At times all it takes is a comment, a nightmare, a memory and you're shattered, broken and 'checking' out. For your information, 'checking out' is also called dissociation. For some of us, it leaves us in tears, sick and shaken not knowing how to handle even the mundane things of life.

Last night I couldn't sleep....I was sick and in tears...the nightmares were coming back...not as horrible as it has been...but enough. I kept praying "God I can't handle this right now. I don't have a support system here....but mainly I don't want to deal with it again." Now, some think that the past is past and it doesn't help to deal with it. That might work for you, but healing for me comes with dealing through the pain. I have 'healed' tremendously but it has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of tears, a lot of prayer and dark days. And a lot of support from those who understand the path I walk. Paul prayed for me last night; aspirin stopped the fevers and the nightmares weren't as bad as they could have been.

This morning when I awoke because of the nightmares, I wasn't doing too well. I started quoting scripture in my mind so that I could reassure myself of God's promises. I then read some of them from my Bible which I would like to share. But before that, let me say that Max was having a tough day as well. He wanted to look out the window....so he leaped from the table with the glass chess set to the window sill but didn't leap high enough....the coffee cup with coffee splashed every where....the really cool bowl that I loved with it's decor balls shattered to the floor. Max went running. I picked him up and let him know that he was loved and it was okay. It's only material things. It really shook him up cause with in minutes he vomited on the floor...hardwood so it wasn't hard to clean. As I picked up the pieces, I thought "what can I do to salvage these pieces? They are really cool." Then I thought, "how much God does that with us...He picks up the pieces of our lives...pieces we break even though we didn't mean to, pieces others break...sometimes on purpose...sometimes not intending too...but we hurt anyway. It's ruined just like my bowl and broken balls. One scripture I read this morning was Ps. 109:22 "For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me." That could be the motto of my life sometimes! Another scripture was Ps. 111:4b."...the Lord is gracious and full of compassion." Here's my pictures to illustrate what I've said.

The gorgeous bowl....now broken and useless....until....
The shattered pieces of my decor on the floor.
Today I felt like they were the shattered pieces of my life on the floor too.
(keep scrolling down for the rest of the story...)

Blogger won't let me type between the above photos but they have a story and here it is.
The decor balls wouldn't fit up against the bowl had they not been broken. They would not have nestled and fit with it if life hadn't hurt them....broken them....or if I had thrown them in the trash. But instead I looked for a way to make them beautiful. I didn't 'fix' anything (of course, because I'm not GOD :)...I just found the best place for them to be. They are also protected in the spot that they are in. Truthfully, I like them better where they are now than where they were before! They make a beautiful arrangement. I'm keeping the other pieces as I might find another use for them somewhere. In the meantime, I know that this arrangement will remind me that God can use the broken, messed up pieces of our lives....even when we didn't do it ourselves but someone else did...to make something beautiful....in HIS time! 2009

Whosoever Will May Come

www.facebook.com/WWMCministries

you never know...

The other night I was leaving Walmart.  I was overwhelmed, not feeling well...to put it mildly

...in other words, I felt terrible!....and functioning on minimum. I put the sacks in the van.

It was late, there were very few cars and several carts that needed to be put away.  I left my cart and got into the van.  After I got in the van, I realized that there was a cart corral close.

A lady was walking by, grabbed my cart, gave me a look like "can't you put it away," then shoved it into the cart corral.  I thought, "lady, if you even knew..."

She had know idea what I was dealing with, how I felt and how much effort it would take to get out and put the cart away.  I was doing good to  make it home that night.

One thing that frustrates me is when I hear adults, mainly teachers, talking about kid's parents and how they don't do this or show up for that etc.  They heavily blame the parents when inside I'm crying and thinking, "you never knew how much of a miracle it was that I got up and was able to get my kids to school." "You don't know how much I wish I could have been a normal parent.  To be able to go through the backpack, get the notes I was suppose to get, etc."  "Do you realize that is one of the low priorities when keeping alive is the greatest need?"  I cry for those kids, for my kids, for those parents who are doing what they can, and wish that teachers and people would understand.

I had doctors tell me that they wished I felt as good as I looked.  I think they were trying to be kind.... ;) plus half of the time, they had no answer for the symptoms I was experiencing.

It was a reminder to me that things aren't always how they look.  That I need to look at others and realize that they might have an illness or struggle that isn't apparent to me.  Because you never know.....

...they might be grateful that they were able to walk into the store and back out....I've been there.   They might be thanking God that they were able to get their kids to school even if they were a few minutes late or forgot the note or whatever it was the teacher expected....because for them they lived another day and that was a miracle.  They might be thankful that they aren't in intense constant pain which causes them to function perhaps not as rational than someone else might.  Or they could be in so much pain, that it's a way of life, and they learn to cope the best they can.  The list could go on.

I wanted to feel angry and hurt at the lady who gave me a dirty look when she put her hands on the shopping cart.  I was past feeling....I already hurt so much....but it did remind me to look at others with more understanding and compassion because you never know.

A must read!

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/07/the-importance-of-family-what-he-gives-in-the-dark/

in all things...pray!

sometimes I just forget that God doesn't care if we pray about the 'silly' ...maybe to others but important to us...things in life.  I read a scripture tonight that helped me to remember that He really DOES care about them.

Ephesaians 6:18  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

even the hairs of your head are numbered.....

Okay, perhaps this will seem like an odd post, but it's something that has affected my life and I have seen God work a miracle through it.  The above and below photo are taken in 2005. This is when my hair was healthy, long and had body.  One thing about it is we lived in Great Bend, KS where the humidity is non existent compared to Independence, KS.  I liked my long hair although it sometimes caused me grief and headaches.  I felt like it was a gift from God.  I was amused one day when I heard a young kid say in the store, "Mom, there's the lady with the long hair who plays the piano on the college TV channel." (BCCC was always airing our recitals and concerts.)

I had even thought I would be very sad if anything happened to my long hair.

my hair in 2008...still healthy just straight because we now lived in the land of humidity!

Because of my illness, my hair started breaking off and falling out all over the place.  The medication I was taking was causing most of the problems although I didn't realize it until it was too late.  My hair became really thin...all of it would gather into a hole about the size of a nickel...and it keep falling out.  In the picture above ( fall 2010) you can see some of how thin it is getting.  I was trying to disguise the fact I had no hair and it looked horrible and unhealthy.  The doctor changed the medication and it started to improve.  Below is a picture in January 2011...it had continued to break and fall out, but then it started getting thicker.  Even though most of it was chin length, it became really thick.  I remembered when as a kid, my cousin's hair was short and thick and wouldn't grow.  It was hard to do anything with it.  I had sympathy for her then but much more now!

I can't tell you the amount of tears I have cried over my hair!  I wanted to cut it all off and just let it start over new, but Paul wanted me to try to keep as much of the length as possible.  I honestly didn't want it any shorter.  I just wanted it to comb, and stay back and look healthy and not hurt.  I have been in lots of pain with my hair...each strand sometimes feels like they are being pulled out one by one  even when nothing is in my hair and nothing is touching it.

Chad, who is really gifted in combing hair, would help me.  Even Paul would comb it for me.  I'd cry and cry.  It was a real stress-er for months this year.  I knew hair didn't grow back quickly and that it was almost impossible that it would grow back looking natural and even.  So I started praying.

I wasn't the only one either!  I think all my boys prayed about my hair!!  I would tell God that the Bible says the hairs of my head are numbered and that my hair must be important to Him.  I knew that I wanted to honor Paul's feelings and try to let it grow naturally.  But I also knew that it wouldn't happen without God's help.  I'd ask  Him to help me figure out how to comb it and fix it so it didn't hurt so badly.  It has grown.....a LOT....in less than six months.  It is so thick I can't hold it in a clip etc very much cause it hurts.  But I'm not complaining. ;)  It's growing and evening out...has more body than it has since we moved here....and it's not coming in gray!  I have some gray, but a lot of the time hair under these circumstances will come in gray.  It does have more of an auburn tint than it did...but I'm thankful.

I'm thankful and counting my blessings that God cares about my hair!!!

Pictures below are some of the progress journeys with my hair the last six months.

It's not as long as the picture below taken in 2009 but it's come a LONG ways! Yay!

The picture above was taken the month before I started the medication that caused the hair loss.  Jan. 2009

Smiles Shared

Different times this year, a new day has come and one of our student's are gone. A lot of time, we had no idea they were leaving.  They always leave a hole and an ache in my heart.  It's really hard to not be able to say goodbye....

(Paul told me he was one of those kids growing up.)

I pray for my kiddos and this one I've really missed. I haven't seen her for several months, but last night at Walmart, I looked down the isle and there she was!! It was wonderful to see her and that we could exchange smiles. 

 I really wanted to grab her in my arms and not let her go. Paul was working that night, so I might have gotten out of it had someone thought I was kidnapping her :) But I didn't.  I just smiled at her with my heart in my smile hoping she would know I care.

It's heart breaking what some of our kids face. They are very precious. The last day of school was hard. Little faces, grimy hands...eyes that look very seriously at you and say, "I'm going to miss you. I'm really going to miss you." Sometimes school is the only secure thing in their lives. 

So thankful God allowed me to be at Walmart at that time and let me know that He hasn't forgotten them. They are all HiS children....the apple of His eye!

Sharing a part of my list towards 1,000 gifts

I don't have a long list...not that I don't have blessings, cuz I do :)  But I don't always see them or remember to write them down.  I'm trying to look for things that bring me joy inside...and for some of those that don't, because they are 'blessings' too...just hidden!

Okay, disclaimer over....here's some of the list
1. motorcycle ride
2. cold wind blowing
3. a splash of color on the trees
4. water to wash my hands
5.  hair that is getting longer
6. Smeigle lying on my chest
7.Paul's voice reading
8. good books to read
9.scriptures to think about
10. laughter in Darrell's eyes
11. the smile on his face
12.
13. classical music
14. the smell of daffodils from my mom
15. pictures of young sons (2005) enjoying life

• lotion to soften hands
• books to make me smile
• (blogger formating to upset me :)  It's not working correctly for some reason)

.....................................to be continued :)

just to say thanks

Just wanted to say thank you to the military and US special ops for their work and accomplishment in the last few days.  I know much more has gone into the 'behind the scenes' than we'll ever know.  I'm proud of my cousin, Burke, Green Beret/Special Forces.  I don't have any idea where he is or if he's even involved, but, Burke, I just want you to know I'm proud of you and what you do for our freedom!  And to all the others, a big applause!

A Need that would be good to consider...

http://thecenturionpapers.blogspot.com/2011/04/mission-alabama-tornado-tragedy.html

The Story Behind "Blessings" - Laura Story at WGTS Gateway

Hand clenched tight

No, I didn't do a good job of 'opening my hand and taking what the Lord gives'....(aholyexperience.com)

It clenched, it fist-ed, it tried to open a little....

Later my hands stretched across the keys and my fingers opened as I played "The Lord's Prayer" in the silence of my home...silence broken by heart-rending sobs....and verbal words as I said, "I don't do very well at 'forgiving others'..."

The wounds were torn open...
the scars not truly  healed...
the layers of mistrust...
once again being pealed back...
open sores with pain so deep I think they will never heal

Just as I think they might be healing, the talons come
                           ...ripping...tearing....causing hysteria to rush overflowing

My wounds, deep, cutting, hurtful.....


Yet on this day, this weekend of celebration for what our Savior did for us....

His wounds....His feelings of betrayal....

does He feel a tiny bit of how I feel?

Am I tasting a tiny bit of how He felt....for me?

family and cats....

See Smeigle up on the ledge above Paul's head. (We have shelves they can climb, but not the ones you can see in this picture.  The cat's shelves are over the stairway.)  Anyway, for some reason Smeigle was upset and decided he'd had enough!

Max was sitting on my lap....listening intently to Paul.  He thinks the world rises and sets on Paul. :)

This stuff seal was out for some reason.  Diva went over and laid down beside it.  Too cute!

Smeigle likes to lie in front of the heater vent but this is the first time I've seen him in front of the refrige!  He is the funniest cat....and the biggest in our household.

Smeigle.  (Ignore the ear mites.  Things like that bug me.  They bug Smeigle too ;) We were in the process of getting rid of them.  For some reason he is the one that has trouble with them.)  I like this picture.  Chad took it.

Proof that he was resting on my hands while I typed....I did most of the entire post with him there.  I know.  They are spoiled!

and I thought...

I'm sitting here thinking, with a cat on my lap and his head almost on the keyboard....

I'd like to share things I've been processing, but don't know if I can get it out.

I'll try :)  The mistakes are Smeigle's fault....the cat...in case you didn't know his name.

I've been reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  www.aholyexperience.com  It makes you think.  One of the challenges for her was to record 1,000 blessings...gifts...in the day to day of life.  Things that we take for granted or just don't see because our minds are focused elsewhere.  I find some days difficult to remember to look and others easier.  I've started my own list....you ought to start one, too.


The challenge doesn't stop in naming your blessings.  It's to find joy in them. 

She writes about her fascinating journey.  I'm just trying to tell you in my words what I am reaping from this.

I'm finding from her quest that the essence of joy is giving thanks.  As she explains....  (in my words)


Before the crucifixion....Jesus took the bread, raised His eyes upward and gave thanks.

Before many of His miracles, He looked upward and gave thanks.

He gave thanks then the miracle happened.  He blessed the loaves and fishes, gave thanks and then the miracle happened.  Plenty of food was available for everyone. 

When He knew what lay before Him, the untold suffering of sins for mankind, He took the bread, raised His eyes upward and gave thanks.

Paul and I have discussed this thought.  What a picture.  On the eve of His road to the cross, He broke the bread, gave thanks, and then said, "take and eat in remembrance of me."   He gave thanks when He knew death was coming in just a few short hours.  He gave thanks when He knew that within moments a miracle would occur....

The giving of thanks brings joy.

God's been trying to teach me this for a long time.  Sometimes I remember.  Too often I forget.  One scripture He has used is Philippians 4:6-7.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Another is in 2 Chronicles 20.  A battle is coming.  The king, Jehoshaphat, didn't know what to do.  He turns to God to ask for His help.  God told him, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours, but God's. ...You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions, stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you!"

Wow!  But you know what happens next?  He takes the singers of the people and appoints them to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying:  "Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever."

I don't think I would like to be a musician at this time.

I would be trembling....hiding...worrying...scared.

Same thoughts I had today as problems bugged my mind.  I tried HARD to remember to give thanks.

All the what if's?  School budget cut backs, next year's taxes (good grief, already worrying about them.  I need to trust!), how this is going to work and the list goes on.

Finally, I thought to myself, "I'm giving thanks because I know that God is good.  And that the gift of Salvation is enough...enough to give thanks for."

I still struggled with pushing negative thoughts out of my head, but I felt it....joy...inside....the giving of thanks.

Obviously, the singers had more courage than I did...or they had someone to hold their hand and encourage them to sing.  Most importantly, they probably just BELIEVED God when He said, "Do not be afraid!" 

They went out and sang....and as they sang and praised, the Lord sent ambushes against the armies and they were defeated!

They didn't have to fight.  They won!

How?

By giving thanks!

I see her......so carefree, joyful....a little first grader skipping gaily down the hallway

...and in myself I took a moment to borrow her joy for myself.

It was the little gifts...seeing life through the eyes of a child.

I hugged the joy close and smiled.

Lessons from the eagles

Today, I saw for the first time, the eagle feed the babies.

I was in awe of the interaction between the eagle and the eaglets.  The eaglets were so trusting, totally depending on the eagle to provide for its food.

Gently, the eagle held the meat so the eaglet could take only what it needed...only what it could swallow.

 I thought, "why doesn't the eagle just give it all to them?"

Not a brilliant thought but that's what went through my mind.

On the heels of thought, I realized that they couldn't handle ALL the meat at once.  They wouldn't be able to get much nourishment from it because it would fall to the side. They weren't strong enough to eat without the parent holding the food for them.


I loved the expressions on the faces.  Animals are remarkable in their ability to express.

The eagle was tender, protective and providing.  The eaglets were trusting, open, receiving.


And I remember that God says that He cares for sparrows...not just the majestic birds like the eagle, but the lowly bird...a sparrow.  He tells us that He takes care of the sparrows, how much more will He take care of us?

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version, ©2011)

Do Not Worry

    ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?    ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And the promise.....

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version, ©2011)

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint. 

http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles 


  

for your enjoyment...

If you like to read fascinating writing....look at great photography....and learn,  check out this website.  I think you'll enjoy it.www.aholyexperience.com

fear...

Heart pounding
anxiety flowing
tension building....

the shaking
the fear.....

Sometimes these are a common occurrence for me.

Sometimes I know what brings it on and other times I don't.

It's real these panic attacks.  It's like a shot of adrenalin with no release. (I'm not an adrenalin junkie like my husband :)  Instead, I thank God for the prescription that's up high in the cabinet....and thankful for the permission to use it!  And I do when I need to...usually less than the amount I'm allowed to take.  It helps to calm and get my panic back under control. 

But I also use my Bible and the scriptures there to calm and reassure me.  Over and over, as I think about the words of scripture, it helps to sooth my nerves.


For the past year this has been one of the scriptures I quote.  Sometimes I can't even grasp the beginning and just skip to the 'peace of God' and cry for God's peace.  And it comes. 


Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

Through this verse, I see things I hadn't seen before.  ...with thanksgiving 

 A car to put gasoline in even when it's killing me!

Money to buy food with even though the prices seem to keep going higher.

Miracles when building the house...my kitchen cabinets, the parlor doors, the trim and the list goes on....even when I wonder why we ended up with a house bigger than we need...(we had plans on adoption and helping kids, but God closed that door.)

...so I wonder, "why?  I don't need all this stress". 

I start looking closer and thanking Him for the things that hurt.

...moving

...finding good in the bad

...looking at walls that were impossible four years ago and how much better they are now

...the stress of building a house and some of the impossible things that are out of my control.

...and realizing that is the problem...I can't control it...so I try to yield and let Him control that impossibility.

  I don't do a very good job....

I look back over things I thought I'd never be able to walk through and remember...

The pain, tears, hurt....hard hurt...yet a healing hurt.  I made it through them even tho I might still suffer with them at times, it is nothing like it was.  I feel a healing there inside of me where that gaping hole was torn.  I grieve for things that can never be.  I grieve for the security of being able to allow that me inside out.  It's been trampled and I hide.  It's easier that way.  The less I say...the less I hurt.  And I remember the scripture that helped me through .....and it can help me now.

But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel,
Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.


When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.  Isaiah 43

So I walk...with the water sometimes lapping at my feet, sometimes over my head...and feel the heat of the fire....and remember I will not drown, I will not be burned.

...He knows my name and He remembers me.  He knows how I feel and even why...and He does not care....because He loves me.

And I try to be thankful.

...I try to find beauty and joy again in the every day things of life

...I rejoice in the 'helps' along the way
(One Thousand Gifts....a big encouragement to continue to be thankful).

...I enjoy the peace being thankful brings.

...and in the times when I can't see to be thankful.

...when the panic is full blown and my mind is racing

...I can not sleep

...tears make tracks down my cheeks

...my head hurts...my heart hurts even worse

....I try to do as Paul tells me...

'rest in His hand'

....and picture me in HIS hand

...the one who made everything...yet cares enough to hold me. 

I was wrong...

Ok...I know several friends have said this was an awesome lady who had an awesome website....

....but I just thought to myself..."I don't want to hear any more theology etc...etc" 

Some where I had heard that there was some Amish/Mennonite connection (actually she just lives close to them) and I just really didn't want to have a lot to do with it because....

...I'm like that.  I have things I'd rather forget than be reminded of them. I don't enjoy reading books about their religions etc.  It's a personal thing.  It doesn't bother me if you like the books...that is fine :)  And, no, I will not discuss with you why I don't like the books. :)

So these ideas kept me from experiencing and understanding more about my life and my walk with God....

I received a book this week from my friend, Heidi.  The title is "One Thousand Gifts".   Written by Ann Voskamp .  The author and writing of the website  www.aholyexperience.com   The website I wasn't interesting in....

What a book!  I can't put it down and yet it takes time to really think about the words written and the impact they have on life....my life.  Interestingly, it's along the same line that God has been guiding me...encouraging me....to give thanks.  In the good times, in the bad times, for the little things of life.....

Yet....I struggle and will still struggle as I learn...but I'm so excited to see where this journey takes me.

I urge you to try it.   Experience it.  It could make a difference.

Blessings

 

 My friend, Heidi, told me about this song last Sunday.  The words are awesome.  I'm going to learn the song so we can use it sometime.

Blessings
Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
...Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep

We pray for healing
For prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand
to ease our suffering

And all the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness
We doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
Lord, that we’d have faith to believe

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain
The storms
The hardest nights
are your mercies in disguise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ  

 

should be a link to this song 

rest...

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. Deuteronomy 33:12. 

Lately, I'm just uptight.  I know there are reasons, some physical, but I've just struggled alot with getting my muscles and mind to relax.  Sometimes I feel myself slipping off....Last night I told Paul I don't know why ...I don't have the reasons to feel anxious like so many others.  My house hasn't been washed away, I don't live in appalling situations, I know where my children are...  A friend shared this scripture and I really liked it.  I know I am blessed.  Blessed to have Paul hold my hand tight when I can't sleep; blessed to see my kids smile; blessed to enjoy music, to have my cats snuggle close, to have a job...the list goes on and on.  Thankful for my blessings.

If God cares for the Sparrows...

If God cares for the sparrows, how much more does He care for me!
  Monday I received a statement in the mail from JCPenny's.  I knew something was wrong because I didn't have anything on the card account.  Sure enough, they were claiming to not have gotten my payment in time...  I looked up the information and thought they should have received it, however, it would be my word against theirs.  So I debated about calling.  It wasn't that much but I didn't want to pay the extra fee.  I could use that on doctor's bills :)  I just kept feeling like I should call.  I did.  And guess what?  They suggested taking it off and said it was probably because of all the snow.  (I didn't even think of that!)  I was so grateful that God cared about me!

There have been several times this week that God has showed me that He cares.  Like when a pipe is cut causing a water leak...all I could see was the plumbing bill.  (Paul and his friend were working on someone's house.)  The plumber fixed it right away at no cost and wants an estimate on his house.  They may get another job out of it.  Who knows?

The brakes went out of the van. Paul was home and able to fix them at a reasonable price! It was great he wasn't working and could take care of it for me.

Other things have happened that  I don't want to share, but I'm just glad I can say that if God cares about the sparrows, how much more He cares about me!